heel thyself

by T. Riley O'Hara, 2002,

Human language is strange. It seems to completely ignore most of the senses, relying primarily on sight and sound. Nevertheless, the average canine can easily learn to speak a dialect that even the dullest of humans can understand; simply by combining yawns, whines, howls, barks, and sneezes to produce actual human words, phrases and sentences. Give the bling on your collar a good shake to grab their attention and try it. In no time at all you will be amazing your humans with your clever and witty banter. Just think how impressed they will be with the speed and ease with which you can acheive fluency in their very own language. They will be touched and impressed by your brilliance. For this and many other reasons canines would do well to study this limited form of communication. It is far less varied than our own language, and relatively simple to pick up. For example, consider the following human "words":

"Heel" Usually this request is made when your human is employing a leash. Humans are not as strong as canines (even the large ones). Get out in front and pull hard. Your human is tired and needs your help.
"Stay" = means stay near (follow you human closely)
"STAY" (louder) combined with outstretched palm faced towards you = means stay where you are, but make a steady whining "mmm" sound to remind your human that they have made a contradictory request. Like this: “mmm STAY? mmm Stay here? mmm Way over here? Far away from mmm you?... and mmm everyone and mmm everything? mmmmmmmm... Are you sure you mean for me to stay here? So far away? Surely not mmm...not mmm...stay here? …stay with you, …right? …stay near you… right?...not mmm all alone… over here?… all by mmm myself?…sad and lonesome?…mmmmmmmm”(Keep it up until they return. If necessary chew or dig through whatever separates you from your human).
"Sit" =place your hind end on the ground briefly, if desired.
"SIT" = (louder, combined with a finger pointing at the ground or a clenched hand thumping their chest) = stand and turn to look at what they are pointing at on the ground, or jump up on them to see if there is a treat in their closed hand. Scratch at their stockings, hump their leg, lick their face if you're tall enough. If they turn the other cheek make sure to give that side equal attention.
"OFF!"= The closest word they have to the canine "RUFF!" They are really getting into this game.
"SIT! STAY!" = place your hind end on the ground again briefy, until your human is no longer watching; then stay with them. The poor dears don't understand that they have given you a contradictory request.
"Come" = there’s something of interest, look around for it.
"COME" (louder, sometimes combined with clapping or smacking of thigh) = when you’re finished investigating the object of your interest, go to your human, and pause there briefly, before returning to show them the object.
"Leave it" = Yes! you have pinpointed the correct object of interest. Quickly, now; display your brilliance by picking it up.
"Drop it!" = If your human approaches you, calling out loudly, this indicates a desire to play "chase". Bite down securely on the item of interest and run joyfully in the opposite direction.

Happy talk!
~Riley